Thoughts and Theories by a Sassykat

Things have been really great until lately! I've been getting what I needed, totally happy in my submissive, and my personal life. :)

However, lately things have felt..blah. eh. I'm worried I'm starting to get bored, as does sometimes happen with me, and I don't want that. I care for him very much. It's very much only the sexual that I'm feeling like that with, but I don't really have any other partners here in the city to help with that.

just really ranting. bitching, whatever you wanna call it. I'm just totally sick of only getting laid once a week. It's frustrating. He wants others, i know, but i knew that coming into it. it doesn't bother me. what does bother me is that he might be able to, and while in PDX i could, here it doesn't seem I can.
I'm in a much more professional job, and have to watch who these associations may be with.ugh. it's just...frustrating.  

Things have been really great lately! I've been getting what I needed, totally happy in my submissive, and my personal life. :)

However, lately things have felt..blah. eh. I'm worried I'm starting to get bored, as does sometimes happen with me, and I don't want that. I care for him very much. It's very much only the sexual that I'm feeling like that with, but I don't really have any other partners here in the city to help with that.

just really ranting. bitching, whatever you wanna call it. I'm just totally sick of only getting laid once a week. It's frustrating. He wants others, i know, but i knew that coming into it. it doesn't bother me. what does bother me is that he might be able to, and while in PDX i could, here it doesn't seem I can.
I'm in a much more professional job, and have to watch who these associations may be with.ugh. it's just...frustrating.   But we're still together, and have been over a year, and we're both exceedingly into each other still. it's a fantastic thing :) I just wish I didn't always want more than what I have.  

There are very few things I miss. Mainly because I'm being fulfilled now in ways I've never been, or not in a long time.

I love my hair being pulled- HARD. Now my hair gets pulled on almost daily, but they seem to be slightly afraid of going into HARD. The harder the better. If it feels like it's going to be ripped out, I am my happiest.

I miss the feeling of stability. That's just something thats beginning to come about, but it's something I've missed greatly with all the moving I've done. I want something stable in my life. and there are things that aren't productive to that in the lifestyle I've chosen- and I won't take that back. But sometimes I miss some of the stability that came with being unhappy. Ridiculous, I know. I'm better now.

Or does the simple fact that you know mean you're really sane?

I'm losing my frikin mind today. Work sucks ass, stress levels are through the roof.

My mind is a chaotic mess of shit, so much so that I really don't even know what's in there, or what's going on in my own head.

I just want to go to my happy place, and not have to think, not have to make decisions, and just stay there.

Though I highly doubt that that will happen today, because more and more lately it's not. but thats a whole 'nother issue and story that I don't want to think about right now.

that we get so tired and bored of each other easily? It doesn't make sense to me, bu it doesn't happen to me. If I love you today, a year from now, I'll only love you more. Unless things have cut off, for one reason or another. I don't do this 'mediocre' phase that most people do, where things level off and everyone is sorta dull and steady.

So, when it happens to those around me, I don't necessarily understand. I try, I work hard to not let it get to me, but I don't actually get it. because I have no personal experience with it.

And why is it that we tend to get pissed when someone else is getting something we're not? I'm horrible at this one. If mine goes out with a friend, and wears his claws, I get jealous. I get slightly irritated. Because a month into our relationship, he quit wearing them out with me. He just doesn't do it. I don't get touched casually with them, or teased.

And sometimes, I need that. But that's a whole 'nother story. We actually discussed it the other day. Sometimes, I want to be toyed with and played with and teased to holy hell before getting what I want.

and why is it that we never appreciate what we have until its gone? It's fucking ridiculous! Look around you, everyone. Look at the people that care about you, the friends you have, the family, the life, even the shitty job. Without, we wouldn't be where we are, or who we are, so take a little time to appreciate that you have a decent life.

I've been trying to get mine to go into dom mode all night. hasn't worked yet.

He's not in the mood. but I am. I'm sad. I'm feeling a large need right now. So much so that I've sorta gotten a little tipsy due to it. lol :) I don't know what else to do. he's so fucking focused on his goddamned game right now and I think unfocused on me that it really doesn't matter.

*le sigh* I guess I have to deal. it happens. after all, he's human too. I just want it so bad right now..

But beyond that, I've been having total TPE fantasties. I want him to dominate me in public, enough to where I KNOW. I can feel it, I know it down to my very core.

I want that. I want it so badly. we're working on it. but I need. at least right now, i feel like I need.  

I was reading some more articles today, and i realized what it is thats going on with my moods. I knew that subdrop existed, don't get me wrong. up until last week, i'd never really experienced it before. but i am now. i can't be kept in subspace all the time, but when i come out of it, if he's not there, petting me, talking to me, joking with me, it hits. i told him this, and he understands. so that part should be better.

also, i may have figured out why i fight the submission so hard sometimes. i want him to force me into it- not necessarily with force, but with his dominance. i crave that heavy domination so much sometimes, that when i'm not feeling like i am receiving it, i will push. but i have also promised to try and get better about this, because i need to be able to tell him when i'm feeling these needs. he is as human as i am- apt to mood changes and not a mind-reader. he's not always in the mood to do so. however, as we reaffirmed last night- i am the submissive. i am there to serve him, in whatever way makes him happiest. he is my dominant. he is the protector, the provider for my needs. we both know this, want it, and we're making it work.

and that makes me the happiest i have been in a long while.

Submissiveness is variable. I'm not in a TPE, though we are in a 24/7 ds relationship. There is a difference, at least in my opinion.

But it feels awkward and weird, when i am in a submissive mood, and he is not feeling dom. it's not that he isn't dom, but sometimes i push a little too hard, and then it's like 'oops....' shit. i just did it again. and he gives me a look, and i know i've disappointed him, which is the WORST feeling in the world.

I'm trying to get better about this aspect. I feel that i am owned, but only partially. only part of the time. and that's not going well for me. i need to know that i am his- and while he says i am, since our first few weeks together, i haven't felt that intensity of ownership. and i'm craving it, needing it, wanting it. and i will tell him this. it will be his choice as to whether i am permitted to  feel this,  whether i deserve it. but i will tell him, because i have been told to address anything like this that comes up.

sometimes, being a good little girl is a hard thing to do. but i love trying to do it for him. it is well worth the reward, and the punishment is unpleasant when i don't do it.

...basically, just random thoughts tonight....

someone wrote this: "...

I accept my Domme, I accept who she is, I accept her feelings, her thoughts, her wishes, her needs, her desires, I accept her interests. I accept her nature, her moods, her anger, her opinions, and when I don't understand her or agree with her I accept her."

I do the same. however, what i sometimes tink about are what his needs, desires, wishes are. i want to know how his wants me to submit. what he wants of me. i never know for sure.
 but i learn and feel and hurt and love. and that's important.

*le sigh* and on yet another random topic (yes, i have been drinking a bit. lol)...i want a collar!! i want i want. I want to feel that around my neck. i want to know i'm his, to know that when its around my neck i have no options or choice, because i have given him that.

and yet again, i'm just randomly posting on things. my fantasies have been a huge thing lately for me. I keep feeling the need to be dominated fully and completely. to be spread out like a feast, and used. by anyone that he chooses. anything he pleases. I just want that feeling of complete submission so badly.  

did my first public scene at the club last night...and wow! I mean, at the time, I didn't notice ANYTHING outside of a 5 inch radius around me- I knew that he was there, that the floggers were hitting my skin, the claws, etc. didn't really notice the people watching, but afterwards we got quite a few compliments. He was happy because he was told how proficient he was for his age, and how well he did. I got told I was gorgeous and took it well. :) Which, well, I did. One guy said "well, I don't know how true it is, but you looked like you enjoyed it.." and I just laughed and said "well, that's good, because I do."

Today, I hurt like hell, but every ache and pain reminds me that I'm his, and I feel fucking fantastic about everything under the sun. :)

Got invited to a couple parties, too, so that was great. Social life=increasing! yay! 

    Don't be a fucking dumbass. You're fine. Everything is fine. :)

So, everyone and anyone who may actually read this- things are fine. I have been having some issues, due to the fact that I've actually fallen for my dom (which is a good thing, really!) but at the same time makes me very fragile. Also due to the fact that, in the past, my poly relationships (as well as monogamous) it has taken my partners some more time to get to that 'used to, wanna play with other people' phase. It took a month flat this time. Now, that could be good, in a way....comfortableness and all isn't a bad thing.

But, yes, I am fine. No, I haven't suddenly decided I want to be monogamous. That's really not for me. I've just realized that it can be somewhat difficult sometimes. Well, I knew it logically, but emotionally nothing had really gotten to me. So it hadn't really hit me, until this relationship.

I'm crazy. But I'm good.